I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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