Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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