first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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