The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
