Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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