Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
