were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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