You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
