They should really pass out barf bags in church
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
