I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
high people should be assigned attendants
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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