all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize