dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
