Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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