Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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