One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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