How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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