I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
