I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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