Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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