The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
