I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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