My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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