I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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