My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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