I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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