at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I cut my penus on the lid.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
