You can't special order awesome
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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