Soap is not a condiment
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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