mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
