I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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