I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
