the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
