Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
