I'm gonna have a badass scar
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
