I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
