we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
