Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
