he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
