meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The adults are the big ones right?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
