I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
