Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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