I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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