Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
