I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
