She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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