if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My vagina is very pro this idea
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
