My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If I had your ass I would rule the world
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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