There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
