Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
