im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
