This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
