Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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