Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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