I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
