Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
