he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize