Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
