She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
