I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
