apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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