"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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