Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
