There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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