But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
