my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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