I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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